Look Up...Look Way Up !!!

You've taken the time and interest to read my ad in POF which was a lot of reading and I appreciate that very much. Something there has sparked your interest enough to visit here. There is a fair amount to read here as well but I hate typing things over and over in emails and hopefully this will give you enough information to see if I am the person for the relationship you seek. As well I think five minutes spent being honest here saves an untold amount of time in emails then chatting to find out we are on different pages or maybe similar pages, who knows? I touch on intimacy in a big way in these pages as well as many other things. I know intimacy isn't everything, time wise it is relatively small but it is so critical when it comes to having great relationship. So if you come to the end of these little home pages thinking this is all about sex then you've read these pages (and me) totally wrong. Besides this homepage needed an update as so many things have happened since I first penned it.

I look at this medium as nothing more than getting out there and making my own luck. In some respects this forum (POF) is kind of insane. Everyone here is great at relationship even though most have one or more failed ones. Nobody drinks excessively on this system even though the Canadian statistics show one in ten people are either problem drinkers or alcoholics. I've yet to see one single ad (let alone one out of every ten) stating that little fact. So in many ways the process is similar to buying a used car, buyer beware I guess. However deep inside I am an eternal optimist and I hope to click with a similar optimist.

To start....

How did this Big Fish end up so far from the Atlantic Ocean?

I was born in Halifax and lived there till the 70's when my father retired from the Canadian Military (Navy) and moved the family to Toronto. I did my high school years in Toronto but by the end of the 70's got tired of the big city and returned to Nova Scotia while my family continued to live in Ontario. I worked for the Canadian Military for almost twenty years as a civilian operations manager. In 1994 I met a Halifax woman through the Internet and we started living common-law (along with her son from a previous marriage). People ask me if the Internet thing works and after meeting an attractive six foot blond ten years my junior and then having a child together at the end of 1995 I tell them yes it sure does. I took an early departure incentive from the Military at the beginning of 1997 but by later in the year the relationship (after four years) headed south and we parted. So now we were into Plan B.

We had a very civil relationship after the breakup, I made my support payments and had every weekend access with our son so things were good. The access and support were basically done on a handshake as neither of us felt the need to go through court. Big mistake on my part as I look back on it. Within six months of us splitting up she went into another common-law relationship with what turned out to be a great guy. I was happy for her and they were setting a great example for our son. However things are not always what they appear and after three and one-half years that relationship ( by the early fall of 2001) was heading for a melt-down as well. I heard later that she had been doing quite a bit of on-line chatting prior to actually leaving this guy and met a guy from a small town about a two hour drive north of Toronto in one of these Internet chat rooms. So she packed up her tent in the middle of the night (literally) and moved without giving me any notice. Now we've just gone through two very through investigations by a Clinical Investigator with the Office of the Children's Lawyer (Ontario) and one thing they examine closely is was there any violence, drug issues or any other reason that would make a woman flee a province. There clearly was not. The simple fact is she consulted a lawyer prior to the move (while still living in Halifax) and was told in no uncertain terms that if I knew anything about this proposed move to Ontario I could apply for (and receive on that very same day) an emergency court order to stop her dead in her tracks and keep her in Nova Scotia. If she could move without my knowing than no court in the land could drag her back. It's the old, it's too late to shut the barn door once the horse has bolted type of thing.

I took the loss of my son from my life extremely hard (I cried for three days straight) and in consultation with my Halifax lawyer was given two choices. Stay in province and be a summertime vacation Dad or to move to Ontario to continue to play an active role in his life. No choice there so I packed up and moved 2000 kilometers leaving behind great friends, some of who I had friendships stretching back twenty-five years. My lawyer here in Ontario pulled no punches telling me that a single man just doesn't get sole custody so we never even filed for it. Where we weren't on the same page joint custody was out of the question as well. The family court case was launched in April of 2002. All I wanted was guaranteed access to our son and a provision in the court order telling her to give me sixty days notice of any future moves she may make which is pretty standard in most agreements. Unlike many men who go through the court process seeking sole custody (knowing they will never ever get it) to torture there ex or to prove they are a better or super parent I had no interest in those kids of games. Then through a series of unbelievable circumstances I got the email address of the woman who lived common-law (in this small town north of Toronto) for three years with this guy my ex moved up here for. So I wrote her and she replied with an email that scared the living daylights out of me and at six foot three and two hundred pounds there isn't a whole lot that has ever scared me.

This woman described how this man beat her on the living room floor one night in the home they had shared eventually twisting her big toe until it broke. Can you even imagine the pain of kicking something and breaking your big toe in a clean fracture? Now picture that same toe suffering a twisting break. The pain must have been unbelievable. All the while her two preteen kids (from her previous marriage) were beating this monster on the back trying to save their Mommy. She described another blowout where he was tossing lamps around the house then took a large tub of margarine and smeared it all over her face and through her hair again with the kids witnessing this sorry, sordid mess. I couldn't believe what an animal my son was now living with so the next day I called my lawyer and told her to amend the motion as I was now seeking sole custody. My ex moved to a tiny town with no relatives, friends, support or backup plan and was financially dependent on this monster. Deep in my heart I knew the odds were totally stacked against me but I could look my son in the eye many years down the road and say to him that at least I tried.

I won't get into a long drawn out blow by blow account of the court proceedings. The Office of the Children's Lawyer's first report (started in March 2003, released in October 2003) recommended I get temporary sole custody. I finally took possession of our son in April of 2004. The second report (an updated report for the court, started April 2005 released August 2005) recommended my continued temporary sole custody till trial some year and a half to two years down the road. So my son's mother signed off on my getting permanent sole custody in June of 2005 (as the Investigator had a meeting with all parties concerned at the end of May 2005 telling us verbally where she was heading with the second report) and in January 2006 we signed off on child support which was the only outstanding issue. Court is now out of session, forever I hope.

I tell my son that his mother loves him with all her heart but she has made some bad decisions while he was in her care. I know that love is blind but had no idea it makes you stupid as well. She defended this monster she lived with right to the bitter end and it ended up costing her possession of our child. For a woman who was not mentally ill, a hard drug user/abuser or a prostitute (three of the major reasons why women lose custody) her downfall was simply stunning and breathtaking in it's totality. She was a woman who wouldn't fall on her sword and admit that she made some major mistakes. Those that live by the sword...well we all know the ending to that little saying. The irony is that she and this monster she moved up here for broke up the beginning of 2003 (with the Children's Aid Society having a major role in that). She is living in the Brampton area common-law with another guy who seems to be a good man. She is by no means a crazy ex at all, just someone who puts her personal need for love and intimacy far, far ahead of her children's needs and safety.

So the legal journey has lasted almost four long drawn out years. I work hard (thus my reason for playing hard...lol) in a very physically demanding job and worked far too much overtime to keep on top of the never ending legal bills and to support my son as I've yet to see a cent of child support in the two years I've had custody of him. I told the Investigator in our case one time that nobody gives you a pat on the back for doing this nor should you seek one. If you sacrifice your own personal life and happiness for your children so be it. So what you work like a dog to support your children, it simply comes with the territory of being a parent. This has been going on for thousands of years. I am peeved though at the number of men who may support their children financially (almost always through a court order though) but won't give their children the time of day when it comes to emotional support, bonding, etc. A couple of years back I met a woman living in Brampton and the father of her children hadn't seen them in over six years. He lived all the way out in Scarborough about an hour's drive away. Unbelievable.

I'm living in the Jane/401 area of central Toronto. I work in a heavily unionized (C.A.W.) job and I work four straight ten hour days, Sunday through Wednesday from 4pm till 2:30am. I have about one more year of this till I can go to a day shift as seniority means everything in this job. Strangely enough this shift works for myself and my son. I get up at 7:30am every morning waking him by 8am to get fed, dressed and drive him to school which is about a half hour drive each way. So if I work an overtime shift of two hours I'm not home and in bed till about 5am, up at 7:30 no matter what. A three hour overtime shift put me in bed by 6am so you get the idea. Then after driving him to school I'm back in bed by 10am and up at 2pm to get ready to go to work. So in essence I was living in a sleep deprived state for the past two years to say nothing about the pressures of this court thing over shadowing everything. Many days I simply got no sleep and just went back to work in the afternoon. Then February 2006 I said to myself I had enough and totally stopped all overtime. I hit top rate of pay as per the collective agreement the end of May this year which is a $15,000.00 a year jump (all at once) in my salary and now my legal bills are over. Before I had to work overtime no matter how tired or exhausted I was. Now I don't have to work it so I'm not. Dating was a very hit or miss thing over the past while as I simply hadn't a huge reserve of energy with the type of work and hours I have and the emotional draining or toll of this family court thing. I do get three and one half days off a week (all day Thursday, Friday, Saturday and half of Sunday) and my son's mother has him two weekends out of three to maximize his contact with her. I've bounced back incredibly well with a huge increase in energy and after fighting so long for my son and his happiness I now have the time and that energy to seek my own.

This is how I ended here so whom do I seek?

To go to the next page please click on the link "Intimacy" in the top left corner.